Adoption: A Brave Heart Choice for an Unplanned Pregnancy

Adoption: A Choice of Love and Committment

2012-03-16T11:56:00.001-04:00

Two pregnant women met in my law office, as well as the husband of one. The discussion was adoption. Kind of odd, don't you think, since they are both pregnant?

You see, one of the women has made a plan to place her unborn child for adoption. The other, equally as pregnant, plans to adopt that child as well as give birth just a few weeks later to her own child. How this crazy scenario came about is a study in love and commitment.

It's a simple story really. Dawn and Rick came to me desperate after many years of infertility treatments. Their dream was to adopt a child. Ann, a woman unable to parent any of her previous five children, due to her unstable life and intermittent drug use, came to me to find a loving couple to adopt her child. She said she wanted to "do it right" this time so nobody gets hurt, neither she nor this child.

You see, every one of her 5 other children are living with a different family through various circumstances. Each of them had been taken away from her by the state after she attempted to parent them. Ann has known a great deal of heartache and loss. It may be hard for us to understand how much Ann loves all of her children. It's easy to think that if she really loved her children, she would have moved heaven and earth to parent them well and to keep them. Well, Ann does love her children, she just can't provide enough stability and income to raise them. Help from family members or the children's fathers is virtually non-existent.

Each time a child was taken away, she hoped to help the state choose a loving family. Sometimes the state chose one of her family members to parent the child. Other times, the state took the child away and curtailed her visitation rights at the first opportunity, never allowing her to see that child again or even meet the unknown family chosen by the state to parent the child. That's what happened with her youngest, a boy of two. The state stepped in early and took him away.

Just last month, she lost all hope to ever get him back from the state. Fortunately, she was able, through the help of a lawyer, to have him placed with an adoptive couple whom Ann got to choose. She was there when the couple met their new son for the first time and it was there that she kissed him good bye. She is happy for him. He is finally in a permanent home. And she'll get to see him from time to time and receive photos and letters from the family. And the door to further communication and contact remains open. That makes Ann happy for her son and for herself. She is at peace because she knows he is now secure in a loving family.

This time, with this pregnancy, Ann decided to short-circuit the hurt and the grief by making an adoption plan early in her pregnancy. She doesn't want to feel any more pain from bonding and loss than is necessary to place this son into a loving home. And she wants her unborn son to feel safe, loved and secure from the very beginning -- and forever.

She selected Dawn and Rick from a number of families. They "interviewed" each other and came to care about each other. An adoption plan was agreed upon. A few weeks later, to the great surprise of all, Dawn discovered she was pregnant.

Dawn and Rick could easily have told Ann that they no longer wanted to adopt her baby. But they didn't. They had made a commitment to her and they had made a commitment to her unborn child. They were committed. And they already loved Ann's unborn child. They realized that they were meant to be the parents of two children, near "twins" in age.

Near the end of our meeting today, Ann looked Dawn in the eye and asked, "You aren't going to change your mind, are you?" Ann's fear is that after Dawn gives birth, she might not want Ann's child, preferring to focus only on her new daughter. It was touching to hear Dawn and Rick assure Ann in loving, but no uncertain terms, how fully committed they are to being the parents of Ann's child.

Then Dawn and Rick turned the tables. They told Ann that their greatest fear is that she might change her mind about the adoption. They wanted to hear Ann say that she was fully committed to placing her son for adoption with them. Ann, clearly moved by Dawn and Rick's commitment to her child, assured them her mind was made up.

The beauty of adoption is that everyone gets what they need. The adopting parents become the parents of a child. The child's birth mother has peace of mind that her child will be raised by a loving family she chose for her child. And the child is the biggest winner. The child gets a family where he is loved and wanted.
The power of love and commitment triumphs in adoption.

If you've ever considered adoption, I encourage you to consider the healing, helping loving effects of adoption with love.
You can find out more information at http://www.adoptionmatchbook.com/ and BraveHeartChoice.org

Diary of an Adoption Journey for an unplanned pregnancy

2012-03-09T09:26:00.001-05:00

It may help you, if you are pregnant and thinking about adoption, to read about the journey from the moment you found out you were pregnant until you gave birth and presented a perfect gift to the perfect family that you chose for your baby.
Read the Diary of an Adoption Journey. I hope it answers some of your questions! As always, we are here to listen and to care. You can contact us by calling or texting 407-383-4942 or email us at lbarnbypa@gmail.com.
Linda Barnby has been helping young women like you for over 20 years!

UNPLANNED PREGNANCY??? NOW WHAT!??

2012-03-06T13:49:00.009-05:00

A common reaction to an unplanned pregnancy is to think you have only two choices: Raise the child yourself or have an abortion. But there is another choice: Adoption.

When you first realize you are pregnant, it’s natural to feel pressured to make a decision right away about what to do. There’s no reason to rush into a decision you may not be prepared to live with. You have more time to decide than you think.

You have three choices. One of them will be the best decision for you. But to make the right choice for you, you must consider all three choices, not just one or two. Let's look at those choices:

Abortion is a final decision that leaves no room for error. Once it’s done, there is no opportunity to reconsider. You may rush into a decision to abort when in fact that may not be the best choice for you.
Some women “just know” that abortion is not for them. Even when pressured by their boyfriend to have an abortion right away, most women feel it in their gut and in their heart that abortion would not be the right decision for them or for their baby. With abortion, nobody wins except the boyfriend. So often, the boyfriend just wants the “problem” to go away – and fast. He has no desire to have a baby in his life. Having a child would interfere with how he spends his days and his nights. Having a child would force him into personal and financial responsibilities he does not want. Having a child would make someone else the focus of your attention instead of him!

To him, abortion is a quick and easy fix and then it’s over forever. He has no real concern or understanding about the long-term effects an abortion will have on you — not to mention the baby!
He may tell you that you will “forget” or that you “can’t remember what you never had”. Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is that having an abortion, while it certainly ends the life of your baby, it does not end your thoughts and feelings about your baby.

Women who have had an abortion are sad and often filled with regret their whole lives. It becomes an empty hole in their hearts that never mends. It’s an especially painful regret because it was a decision they made. Abortion is not an accident that happens to you that’s not your fault. A woman who chooses abortion takes full responsibility for that decision. And, if there is regret, it hurts for a lifetime.

When you consider parenting your child, consider all of your resources carefully. Your time, your energy, your emotional availability, your financial resources and family members willing and able to help you. A young mother needs ample amounts of all these resources.

Wait! Dont' be discouraged! Be Encouraged! There is more information you need to know! Please click through to our blog at: Pregnant and Thinking About Adoption to find out more about your two other options... Parenting and Adoption! Or read on to learn more! Visit How Do I Start? for some more help!

What in the womb is going on?!?!?

2012-02-29T11:31:00.000-05:00

What in the womb is going on?!?!?

A peak into the place where a miracle is happening!

Abortion or Adoption. Your Choice.

2011-08-16T08:06:00.002-04:00

A VERY brave young woman made the decision that she would not have an abortion, but she would give her baby Life and a Family. This little "package" is the result of that decision. This beautiful baby girl is sleeping safe and sound and has a very bright future, all because of her birthmother's choice to make this plan for her. The birthmother, the birthfather, the birthmom's parents and the adoptive parents are all in amazement at this process called Adoption. Though not easy, it leaves everyone with peace in the knowledge that they have all loved this baby and worked together to see that she has the brightest, happiest life ever.

Brave: A Poem

2011-05-11T08:32:00.005-04:00

Brave
(By me on mother's day...)
I never thought myself as brave
I never needed to
But then one day, upon my heart
The thought of you just grew
It grew and grew and I could not
Let the thought go away,
God grew you in my longing heart
And there you, son, would stay
Then God made a little boy
Who grew outside of me,
God planned your set arrival time
And what your name would be
And somewhere in the world so vast
Inside of her you grew,
I’m sure you kicked and squirmed at times
As babies often do
What did others say? What did she think?
O, the choices she could choose,
But the one she picked was very brave
And for me, the greatest news

God picked me to be your mother
And I’m still surprised each day
That I feel like you grew inside me
Though it seems so odd to say
I love you so much, I can’t fully express
How much you mean to me,
A miracle from God you are,
Answered prayer you’ll always be
Men do brave things and risk it all
We think of them with awe,
But in my heart ‘brave’ has a new face
A woman I never saw

From the Lips of a Birthmother in Orlando

2011-04-05T11:15:00.003-04:00

My First Reaction
I did not know I was having a baby until 18 weeks into my pregnancy. Five months later, I ended up blessing a couple who could not have children with a beautiful baby girl, or as most people would refer to it, I “put her up for adoption.” When the doctor informed me of my pregnancy, my first reaction was “Why did this have to happen to me?” The second question was “How will my mother react?”
Coming to Acceptance
Accepting the fact that I was pregnant and realizing that there was no way out was the first step in coming up with a solution. I knew I just had to deal with it And I had to develop a plan for how I was going to handle the situation. An abortion was not an option that I considered because it is against what I believe in. In my mind, I knew that I was not ready for a baby emotionally, mentally, nor financially. Not being financially stable meant that I had to choose government assistance, also known as welfare, and I did not want to be a statistic of African American women depending on the government to take care of them and their children. Being on welfare would create a chance of limiting my child from attending college. Knowing there was a possibility of her not being able to pursue a decent education, I decided to research other alternatives. The alternative that I chose from my research was adoption. I made the choice that would best benefit me and my child.
First Attempt at Adoption
First, I chose a local agency. Not having much time until the baby was due, I had to speed up the process that birthparents have to go through with their agency. Once I understood all the paper work, I then had to choose a family. After looking through the profiles I chose a Caucasian couple from another state that could not have children. A telephone conference with the adoptive parents that I had chosen was scheduled. While speaking with them, I realized I was not comfortable with them because their reaction to the news seemed as if they were not overjoyed. During the conversation the husband did not allow the wife to answer many questions. That concerned me because I would not want my child to grow up in a family where she could not think for herself as I thought the husband was preventing his wife from doing. Another problem that I encountered was with some of their responses to my questions. When asking about their religious background and any association with African Americans, their answers consisted of them not having an established religion and not having association with any African Americans. Those two questions were important to me because I wanted a couple with an established Christian background and I wanted them to have at least a couple of African Americans that they were associated with. When realizing that they did not have the qualities that I wanted in adoptive parents for my child, I decided not to be matched with that couple. Then I was then back at square one.
Second Adoption Attempt is Golden
My mother then found an attorney who deals with adoptions, and we scheduled an appointment to talk with her. Together, my mother and I examined profiles of couples wanting to adopt that the attorney gave us. While looking through these profiles, I instantly connected with one couple’s picture. Opening it up and reading about them I felt in my heart that they were the right couple. Still not making them my final choice, I looked through a couple of other families’ profiles. But I kept coming back to the original couple’s picture that I felt at ease with. I finally made my decision that they were the parents that I wanted for my daughter. With them being my final choice, I asked my mother how she felt about them. My mother agreed with me that she felt an instant connection with their profile as well. So once my decision was final, the attorney called all the necessary people to get in contact with John and Mary, the couple I chose.
Connecting with the Adoptive Family
Within 30 minutes they were on the phone sounding as if they had heard the greatest news of their lives. When trying to speak with them on the phone they both were speechless and very emotional. Once they were relaxed, my mother and I engaged in questions that we felt were important to us. For instance, we asked them about their religious background and found out they were active in their church, which was a plus because we wanted a couple who practiced their beliefs regularly. Some of the other questions we asked were about their college plans for the baby and and their social life interactions with African American couples or couples who may have adopted African American children. Their responses were perfect! They told us they would start an early college fund as she was born. And they have both African American friends and are friends with other Caucasians who have adopted African American children. Once the hour-long conversation ended, I felt more comfortable with them and was ready to meet them in person.
Meeting the Adoptive Family
After having Baby Cynthia late Wednesday night, the next morning I was greeted by John and Mary with great big hugs. They had flown in that morning. All that day, we sat around learning more about each other and establishing a connection between us and the baby. It was great. They were so happy. I know I made the right choice.
Final Decision Time
The next day was the day of my discharge from the hospital and the signing of papers to terminate my parental rights. On this day, all my emotions ruptured and I cried. The whole day I spent with my daughter telling her how much I loved her and wanted the best for her. During this time, I made it clear to her that I felt that adoption would be the best for the both of us. I also told her that her adoptive parents were grateful and loved her just as much as I did. At 5 p.m. was when I planned to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. Everyone involved in witnessing the adoption signing ceremony, the attorney and two witnesses, entered my room one by one. One of the first things they did once they were in the room was to explain to me what was going to happen. The attorney said she would first read the Consent for Adoption out loud, and while doing that, I would have the opportunity to ask any questions and to make sure all the information in the document was true to my knowledge. And once she was done, I would make the final decision to either sign my parental rights away or to choose to parent.
Second Thoughts
After reading the consent document, it was then my turn to make the decision. When signing the document there were so many thoughts that went through my head, “Will she hate me? Will I want her back?” With all these thoughts, I still decided to be strong because I knew it was the right thing to do. Before I completed signing my last name, I stopped to think one last time about what I was doing. At this point in time, I still felt that adoption was the best decision. My mother was right there in the room with me the whole time. I knew she would agree with whichever decision I made and she would support me. After signing my last name, my rights were forever terminated.
Giving My Baby to the Adoptive Parents
Before leaving the hospital, the new parents, John and Mary, and Baby Cynthia joined me in my hospital room so I could say my final good-byes. During this time the couple was telling me how much they appreciate, admire, and respect me for choosing them to raise my daughter and how they are going to always tell her about me as well as teach her about her African American background. Once the gathering was over I placed Cynthia in their arms and ensured them that they were going to be great parents.
Some Final Thoughts
Going through this process, an unknown author of “A Child’s Story” felt the same way that I did about adoption. She knew that she was not ready for a baby and recognized that there was someone else who was. Adoption also took a lot of strength from her as well as it did for me. Being in this position, the mother has to be strong and confident with her decisions. And both the author of that story and I were definite with the choice that we were making. In the end, the most important fact is that I did not allow my selfishness to get in the way of doing the right thing. I could have thought about myself and had an abortion, killing an innocent child, but instead I chose life for my baby.
The Race Thing
In the beginning of the adoption process, I wanted African American parents for my child, but when looking through different couple’s profiles, I learned I wanted to look past race. Experiencing this event has changed my mind about interracial adoptions for the simple fact that it is not about what is on the outside of a person but what is on the inside. I learned that a Caucasian couple could love and care for my child unconditionally just as an African American couple could.
My Gift
This is a memory that cannot be forgotten because I brought life into the world and that is something that I took for granted before. This has taught me how to be thankful for all the small things because I could have been in a position where I could not conceive children. And even though conceiving her was unexpected, a great thing came out of it: Me blessing a couple who could not have children.
*The names in this story have been changed to ensure confidentiality.

The author of this story started college within a few weeks after giving birth to Baby Cynthia.

Hopes and Dreams

2011-02-25T21:35:00.001-05:00

On February 24, 2011, I stood on the Causeway of Cape Canaveral waiting with thousands of people to witness an historic event. The space shuttle Discovery was about to lift off for the last time. For Decades, thousands, maybe millions of people have traveled to the Florida coast to hear the countdown over the loudspeakers and witness that shuttle soar into the sky.
Why are so many drawn here? I think it's because of the hopes and dreams that are realized...venturing to new places and learning so much more about our world...as they say...the sky's the limit!
As I think about that shuttle going into space, I think about you, your unplanned pregnancy and the difficult decisions you are having to make. You may feel like you would like to soar into space and leave your troubles behind!
Your unborn child's hopes and dreams depend on you making a plan that is best for him or her. The sky's the limit for them too, if you will only give them the chance. Perhaps you are not ready to be a parent at this time in your life. There is a family, a forever family, who is just waiting to love your child, to nurture them, and raise them to be somebody great and do great things in this world.
Who knows? Perhaps your child will discover the cure for cancer! Maybe they will be the President of the United States someday! You have so much to do in your life too and you also can make a difference in this world!
The sky is the limit and your baby's hopes and dreams depend on you taking this journey! The Astronauts work very hard to prepare for their space experience...there are fears and unknowns, but they take the risk; they walk that path in order to gain more knowledge, more power, more confidence, and they are greater because of it.
You, too, have a path to take, a journey of your own. Walk through it. Push past the fears and the unknowns in order to gain a greater awareness of just how very strong you are. You may not climb into space strapped in a Space Shuttle, but you will soar in your spirit as you discover the inner strength you have to make the hard but loving choices necessary for your future and for the future of your baby.
Debbie Santora works with Adoption Attorney, Linda Barnby, in Orlando, Florida. Linda Barnby practices exclusively in the area of Adoptions and we welcome your call. We are private, confidential and caring. We are here to listen. If you are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy in Orlando, Tampa, Jacksonville or anywhere in the United States, we would love to hear from you. If you decide that adoption is right for you, you can pick one of our wonderful waiting families, meet them, get letters and pictures after birth and for a lifetime!

Happy New Year!

2011-01-03T11:25:00.002-05:00

It's such a common phrase...everyone says it without even thinking. Is it Happy for you? Are you glad that 2010 is over? Maybe it was an awful year and you are looking forward to 2011 and all the good things you hope that it holds. But maybe you are not looking forward to this year. Maybe you just found out that you are pregnant and it wasn't planned...and you have a very long and difficult path to walk this year...many hard decisions to be made.
Please do not take that journey alone. Please call us and let us help you. We care and we would love to talk with you about your options and how to make 2011 a wonderful year for you, your baby and someone special who you have not met yet. You could be the one to totally change many lives by one brave decision.

We are waiting to help. Call 407-383-4942 or toll free at 877-874-3715.

Happy New Year!

Unplanned Pregnancy at Christmastime...a difficult Duo.

2010-12-16T12:34:00.001-05:00

The holidays come with its share of joys, peace and trouble. Some people go around with a song on their lips, and their feet walk a a little lighter..other folks are kinder than usual. Christmas often brings out the best in even the meanest person! But, so many people are out of work...so many just trying to keep their heads above water and some food on the table. Though Christmas is a time for love and joy, often it is anything but that. Finding out that you are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy might just rip away any of the little bit of joy that you might have had.

If you are pregnant and this is not a good time, there are choices you can make that will brighten your holidays and your spirits. Placing your baby for adoption is probably the best gift you could ever give someone and maybe the best gift you could give yourself! If you would take a minute to call us, we would love to talk with you about adoption. Linda Barnby, an adoption attorney in Orlando, Florida experienced that gift over 20 years ago when she adopted her oldest daughter. Call us at 407-383-4942 to talk.

Take yourself to another dimension for a moment and consider that you WANT to have a baby and you CAN'T...each year goes by and Christmas comes and goes and you do not have the child you so desperately want. There is someone right now who feels like that. They are helpless to make their dreams a reality. But you, YOU have an opportunity to bring love and joy and peace to someone who has empty arms. Now that is POWER! You might think, "so I give my baby up for adoption to this couple and it's happy happy joy joy for them and what about me?" That's legitimate.

Have you ever done something good for someone else? How did that make you feel? There is something to be said for the acts of kindness we do for others and how it is more blessed to give than to receive, as they say. By giving the greatest gift of all, a human life, you give not only to another couple, but to the child and to yourself as well, a great gift. When I do something for someone else, I am proud inside. Sometimes I may still feel sad, but a part of me is always proud because of what I did.

If an unplanned pregnancy and Christmas have you down, call us and talk...we are here even through the holidays! God Bless you and Merry Christmas!

Adoption is a BIG decision for a Teenager!

2010-09-30T13:04:00.003-04:00

A woman facing a teen pregnancy or an unplanned pregnancy and considering adoption for her baby really does need to think about the pros and cons of adoption. Because she is young, she may have difficulty making such a hard decision. Usually, she is having to decide what to wear to school or what to take for her lunch. Parent a child? Release a child? Those are not every day decisions.

When I think about my daughters being teenagers and having children or I imagine that I am a teenager having a child, these are some pros and cons I would consider:

PROS:
I am still a child in many respects myself, and probably have no business being responsible for another human being! For this gal, adoption is a loving option for her and for her child.

I have a long life ahead of me to live and so much to do. How will I be able to accomplish what I need to if I am parenting? You have to think about the long haul...

My baby deserves a good chance at life. He or she needs a mom and a dad to teach and guide her. I can hardly take care of myself right now. Adoption is a loving choice that meets both of your needs.

If someone else raises my child, I will know that they are being loved and are happy and having a wonderful life. Perhaps they will be the next President of the United States, or maybe they will develop the cure for cancer. Whose spouse will they be?

If I release my baby for adoption, they can have a wonderful life and I can continue to do what I need to do in life, knowing that they are happy and healthy.

I will have joy in the knowledge that I made someone's dream to be a parent come true. I will be their angel.

CONS:

I won't be the mommy to my baby.

I won't see them every day, see them take their first steps, say their first words...

I risk being judged or unsupported by my family and friends.

I will go through a pregnancy, labor and delivery but will not have a baby to take home.

Maybe you can think of more pros and cons...make your own list or add to this one. It seems like the cons are more short term issues...the pros are lifelong positive results of a difficult decision, but one that leaves everyone better in the long haul. Whatever you decide, it won't be easy...parenting is not easy; it's hard work. Placing a baby is not easy either; it's hard too. You have to make the best decision for you and your baby.

Linda Barnby, an adoption attorney in Orlando, and an adoptive mother herself, understands and cares. If you are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy in Orlando or in another state, we are waiting to talk with you and help you work through your options to discover what is the best solution for you.

Help for your child in DCF custody

2010-09-28T11:11:00.005-04:00

Did you know that if your child is currently in foster care in Orlando and your parental rights have not been terminated by the court, you can make a private adoption placement? What is that you ask?

Florida Statutes Chapter 63.082(6)(a) states: "If a parent executes a consent for placement of a minor with an adoption entity or qualified prospective adoptive parents and the minor child is in the custody of the department, but parental rights have not yet been terminated, the adoption consent is valid, binding, and enforceable by the court."

This means that YOU can choose a family to adopt your child, rather than your child spending years floating from foster home to foster home, or being adopted by someone the Department has chosen for your child. YOU can meet that family and after placement you can get letters and pictures and know how your child is doing. If your child is adopted through the DCF system, you will probably never hear from them again.

You must remember that Adoption is Forever! It's a Permanent placement of your child. If you will not be able to be reunited with your child, this is a great option for you.

Get in touch with us and we can give you more information about your specific case. Linda Barnby is an adoption attorney in Orlando, Florida.

Maybe you don't need this help but someone you know DOES! Please pass on this information to them...after all, Knowledge is POWER!

Great t-shirt!

2010-07-01T00:19:00.005-04:00